I started my writing journey early, whilst in the trenches of serious chronic illness, (I fell ill at six and never recovered. I am forty-two, at the time of writing this) I began as a child writing prose-poetry, song lyrics, and newspapers for cats. I won a few (fake) poetry competitions, but largely kept my writing hidden, as my talents and abilities were swiftly condemned and crushed by narcissistic parents, along with my confidence.
I had to fight really hard for my self-belief and self-esteem. Over the years it was eroded to the point of non-existence. Where not only did I write in secret, but I spoke in secret. Not daring to share my voice with anyone because it was simply not welcomed, accepted, nor safe. Growing up in an abusive and highly critical family assisted in the creation of a rich inner realm.
Having missed all of my schooling due to severe Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E.), and having the school board prevent me from receiving home tuition, a lot of the time I had to educate myself. I was lucky that I was an avid reader with a passion for books. My books have been great friends to me in the loneliest of times. Though I could not always read, as words and letters would tumble into each other due to the neurological symptoms and brain fog.
I always felt the grief of the suppression of my intellect and never knew my potential, as there was no direction or interest from my parents for us kids to become anything whatsoever in life. I was born with a thirst for knowledge and life, a curiosity about everything, and a deep intrinsic wisdom and articulate nature that I severely downplayed. I dumbed myself down all my life to appease people, so as not to be a threat or to be seen as weird.
When in fact, had I known how, and had it been safe, I should have embraced my fondness for words. Words that I knew despite never going to school, barely leaving my bed, and talking to no one. My love of words and literature grew, at the age of eleven, I kept a dictionary by my bed, and every night I would find and read a couple of new words and try to integrate them into my poetry.
At the age of forty-two, I am halfway through an English Literature and Creative writing degree. I decided that I needed to write my books, take ownership of being an actual ‘Writer’, and get my education solely to stick two fingers up at the very many people who believed I couldn’t. Gaining my degree would be a gift to myself.
Not because I wanted to work in the industry or know how to dismantle and analyse literature, but because I wanted my education. I wanted the choice. The chance, just the same as anybody. And what I can do with it, well, that part is up to me. That is not so significant as what feels like obtaining a part of me that was so heavily denied and suppressed growing up.
So, my journey has been a long one, I have battled chronic illness for 37 years, I have been homeless more times than I can count, moved all over the UK, been a hermit, been to very dark places in life that have brought me into contact with my warrior spirit, and a deep level of resilience. I have been brutally broken many times over, and each time, I find a way to resurrect and transform.
This is just another of my transformations, except it is also the resurrection of my voice after severe narcissistic abuse. When my voice was being buried by the narcissist, I saw it happening to me, almost as if I was standing outside of my body, watching my inner self shrink into the size of a thumbnail and hide somewhere in my gut.
So, I can’t tell you how important this blog is to me, after all, I have lived and survived, it is the start of the last resurrection. The ascent of Inanna calls. I have answered. I must learn how to speak again, not just within my own mind, but with my actual voice, something I repress. I must learn how to vocalise my truth again and rediscover the scared parts of myself, the humour, the intellect, the wisdom, the inner child, the warrior and the poet. All need a voice.
When a woman finds Feminism, usually in her thirties or forties, she finds an oxygen mask, one that liberates her to finally show up and say “My voice is Mighty”. And that’s part of my journey, finding Feminism and literature alike has been like finding keys to my liberation and power.
Some women get this handed to them, writing, thinking has never been hard, they have been supported their whole lives, and confidently step into their truth. For the rest of us, it takes patience, hard work, and devotion to finding out who we are underneath all the layers society and our families put upon us.
So, this is me, it’s not perfect, it’s not Instagram worthy or professionally structured, but it’s my humble beginnings. Every writer has to start somewhere. If you are waiting for permission, as I did for many years, please let me offer you that permission slip now, so that you can stop wasting time and start vocalising the things that have been burning in your heart for so long.
No one knows of the weight of things carried within, unspoken, uncreated. But it is those things that can bring us more fully into a lighter existence and more importantly, our wholeness. My goal is to write about whatever is on my heart, until the very core of what I need to address becomes ready. I have much to share with the world. Much for women’s liberation, Feminism, the rise of the Divine Feminine in all her aspects, and for the sovereignty that we all possess yet must often battle through to claim.
‘Rebecca For Now’ is whimsical, sometimes comical, sarcastic, open-ended blog, a diatribe at times to the irking moments of life, but it is first and foremost a canvas on which I start to paint the picture of who I am, to inspire you to paint your own.
I am ever evolving, a spiritual warrior and a writer who does not believe in shaming the voice of others and no longer is willing to participate in the silencing or degradation of my own voice.
Speak with authenticity, write with power, and focus on the things that set your heart alight.
May you blaze a burning trail and burn bridges to all those who tried to dim your light.
Rebecca Xx